20.02.2013

I currently have bunch of thoughts that keep me out from writing. For few times, i write a post then delete the blog thus feel sad about this. My mind is in a war, logic vs. feeling or sadness vs. happiness

My first blog in 2013 sadly is about broken hearted, to a man, a dad (my dad)

So, today has come..
20 02 2013 

The day that exactly one year ago i thought will never arrive, but here i am.

And all those memories come strong, drag me back to what happened last year

How scary time flies, been like just yesterday

Yet how slowly time flies, been like years in hell

2012 closure

5more days in 2012 and year will change into 2.0.1.3.

Becomes yearly eve when everyone’s sounding those new-year-resolution, what kind of achievement, introspection and so on. Thus for me, I sounded instantly on my mind as simply as “I want to be a better person next year” then forgot it in a short period after. I never really meant and specified though what was “A Better Person”.
Until end of last 2011, the very first time I really really really meant my new-year-resolution.
I specified it as “I want to be a good daughter for my dad”. 
He was sick for months in hospital and all i wanted was things get back to normal with his presence in home. 
I deliberately wanted to do my best for him.

We celebrated our new year’s eve with Dad, beside his hospital bed told him that year had changed. As an old type of Chinese people, he believed that Dragon Year is a blissful year yet he looked forward for his recovery after new year. 
Same with him, I rushed to leave 2011 and stared high hopes for 2012.

New year as a new hope, a new page, a new path for us.
We had simple but sweet celebration, each of us (included Dad) wore a colorful eye mask- blew a small horn that we bought from nearest store- took few pictures with phone- counted down 54321 in seconds of year changing- yelled happily “HAPPY NEW YEAR” and kissed each other cheeks.

[ he was there. with me, with us... ]

silly daughter

Memories that

I don't like to remember but neither I want to forget

I don't like to recall but neither I want to let go

I don't like to tell but neither I want to keep

I don't like to cry on but neither I want to smile on

I don't like to be walked-off but neither I want to carry by

 
I'm confused daddy, I really am.

i miss u,pa...

We didn't spend much time in talking ever since til he admitted to hospital.
I only had last 4 months to know him more.
And it's too short
And it's too fast
And it's too shocking
To lose u...
and i even haven't said how much i love u...

It feels like losing a shelter that covered u all this time, already broken
Losing a secureness that comfy u all this time, already gone
Losing a first layer that protected u, already torn
Losing a leader, guider, instructor of life
Losing someone too precious to u

Me, miss u so much pa So so so so so much..

 

(28+60) days

It was really tough on me, on us.

Not only didn't prepare for.
Had VVIP in ur life stayed in hospital for that super long period, bunch of unimaginary things influenced.
It was a total mess. I was a total mess.
My heart was pulled out and in, played by situation.
My mind wasn't normal.
My body was exhausted.
Mentally, emotionally, physically, financially examined.
No other option beside facing it.
I was placed and pushed to be a sudden tough, wise, strong, helpful, patient, smart, rich and super woman that world ever have, that I ever imagine I could be.
(I supposed to be written in history by then)

No regrets

I oppose him most of the time, he called me rebel.

For him
Brave,independent and fierce should belong only for man. Woman shouldn't have it.
But that's what I am.
Acceptance without experiencing it, follow what he thinks is right.
It's definitely not me.

He wanted me to be a doctor while I wanted to be an architect, a man job he said.
He said I should have talked softer.
He said I'm too naïve as i don't know what the real life is.
He fought with me several times, everytime we talked about my plan.