(28+60) days

It was really tough on me, on us.

Not only didn't prepare for.
Had VVIP in ur life stayed in hospital for that super long period, bunch of unimaginary things influenced.
It was a total mess. I was a total mess.
My heart was pulled out and in, played by situation.
My mind wasn't normal.
My body was exhausted.
Mentally, emotionally, physically, financially examined.
No other option beside facing it.
I was placed and pushed to be a sudden tough, wise, strong, helpful, patient, smart, rich and super woman that world ever have, that I ever imagine I could be.
(I supposed to be written in history by then)

I dragged myself like I never did it before.
It was so heavy and hard.
I lost my optimism&positivism in facing my life
I lost proud of my achievement so far, as in fact it is far from 'enough'
I felt guilty on me for not doing more, even I didn't know how many more it should
I asked hardly questioning God or Universe or whoever I shared story to.
"Why this should happen to my life"
"Why should me?"
"Why I don't have option to runaway"
"Why I shoud be tough lady instead of weak one. I wanna be those who can just simply cry and that's all"
Life was unfair. Life was ruining my good life.
"When the storm will be over?"
"Where is my rainbow after the rain?"
"What should I do next"
I can't take it anymore. I touch my limit. I wanna give up. I almost burst out.
"I envy u all, who still can think of urself, ur own career and ur life, do enjoying ur weekend and don't have this stressful burden like me. I'm only 25..."
That was what I told my friend.
That was when I cried.

28 days in Mitra Keluarga.
60 days in Mount Elisabeth.
I, We *finally* went through it.
I don't know how today comes, how I can be here and write this blog.
I don't know how I survived.
I just passed day-by-day.

I put fake (and some real) smiles, I hold tears, I cry, I pretend I am strong, I give crap to people, I throw my anger, I complain to feel better, I share my sadness, I keep some untold stories, I let go my own ego, I stop comparing, I try to relax more, I expect less, I accept fact of what's happening, I do more without questioning, I freeze my heart, I try to find any happiness left, I try to look at a few bright side, I just hang on and wait for my rainbow.
And maybe that how I survived.


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Those days, remained these thoughts:
- life, can change in only one month/ one day/one hour/ even in one minutes. 
Feels that we're so small compare to universe. What is on the top can be on the ground, our life is just like a coin that can be flipped at the moment. Flipped another way round, and we'll never know when.
"Nothing last forever (Annica)"

- life, will never be easy but beautiful within that limitation. 
It will always and always teach u, sometimes with a soft- medium- hard- super hard way.
Trust me, Best learning only comes from hardest way

- life, is a paradox and bitter.
People forget be thankful for every single day they still have while others in hospital fight for it, only to make it longer.
People whine for small matter while others still can taste happiness in suffer.
People waste money for stuff they don't need while others crave for single dollar.
People wish for something while before they ignore.
People act like an angel while they only put a mask on it.

- life, in hardest level show me true colour of people.
Who can really do care, not only sending sympathy but take an action to help
Who can sacrifice and survive more
Who can be shared, relied and depent on
Who can take control of stress, burden and emotion
Who can simply underestimate what others do instead of appreciate it
Who needs acknowledgement, who don't
Who priors pride and money, who don't
Who keeps thing simple or make it complicated
Who is talker or doer, follower or leader, giver or taker

- life, is a choice whether u wanna face it with grin or frown. 
It's normal to frown for a while, then to smile longer. Nobody can keep their smile perfectly forever though. BUT, life, supposed to be lived happily. Frowning doesn't help at all, but somehow smile does help.
"Sometimes, u only need to hold ur tears, pretend to smile as if nothing happen and just walk away"

Those (28+60) days did sucks a lot.
and i'm okay and i'm definitely not okay with it.
But in the end there is always a LEARNING behind.

We will always have a reason to fight for our life as we will and always will learn when we survive life :)
 

"Tough time don't last, but tough people do"
(nice quote from friend, May)