I only had last 4 months to know him more.
And it's too short
And it's too fast
And it's too shocking
To lose u...
and i even haven't said how much i love u...
It feels like losing a shelter that covered u all this time, already broken
Losing a secureness that comfy u all this time, already gone
Losing a first layer that protected u, already torn
Losing a leader, guider, instructor of life
Losing someone too precious to u
Me, miss u so much pa So so so so so much..
"I wanna drink water then gargle 2times"
"I wanna throw out my slams"
"I wanna go outside"
"I want apple juice"
"I want my milk, no sugar one"
"I want to sit"
"I want learning to walk"
"I want otrivin"
"I want ricola"
"I want ketoprak/ fried kwetiauw/ pork bellies/ banana/ peanut/ grapes/ capcay/ puyunghai"
"Where is my bowl and tissues?"
"Massage me, here on my legs-my back-my hands"
After doing those, he'd fell asleep. And woke up in another 30mins.
And repeating those over and over again.
~~Miss time when he has delirium, losing memory temporarily~~
"Who are u?"
"Which minister are u?"
"Help me, I'm robbed"
"Hello, police. I want to report this robbing case"
"Where is my card?"
"Keep this for me" (his hands gestured giving things to u)
"I have 10wifes, 1st is (mom's chinese name), 2nd is (mom's indonesian first-name), 3rd (mom's indonesian last-name), 4th forget and so on"
Eating peanut and banana (when actually there was nothing)
Boxing-kicking-yelling at his bed and person near to him
Pulling his insertion and didn't feel hurt
~~Miss time when he's fully alert~~
He doesn't complain much.
He behaves so well.
He tells us about much things.
He asks current time and date.
He forgets what happened in previous day.
He remembers himself&his family identity.
He says mommy is a tough and loyal woman to accompany him all the time.
He asks about his business.
He wants to call relatives.
He wants to wash hands and hairs.
He wants to exercise more.
~~Miss time when I still have him HERE~~
I play with his hair, made it look younger with mohawk style
I put his hand hugging hershey-doll from mom
I pinch his cheeks whenever he falls asleep after being annoying
I smile whenever he's dreaming and his hands start moving to the air trying to take something
I laughs when he has dream of eating banana
I massage him without sleeping at night as when I stop he'll start screaming 'auch, adoohh, adooohhh'
I put cute pooh-pillow at his forehead whenever he feel the temperature is cold
I teach him to say 'pass motion' (in english) rather than 'berak' (in indonesian) when we are in singapore hospital
I change his diapers in home. He'll say "my butt is broken into 4, it hurts so much"
~~Miss time when he's normal and healthy~~
He wakes up quite late, takes a bath, exercises inside the room, eats porridge, changes his clothes and prepares to work.
He always stays outside at balcony sitting on his fave chair, having his coffee.
He watches indonesian serial movies, makes a detail note of actress/actor, takes pics of his fave.
He repaires every single thing that is broken at home. He doesn't like to postpone.
He's arrogant, strong and success person.
He's very talkative and it's for hours.
He's a compulsive, super neat and clean person.
He's a good organizer, he manages everything.
Pa,
I really still wish having another time with u
I really still wish having a leader, a man in home
I really still wish taking care of u longer whatever it takes
I really still wish pairing u with mom in next occasions, and we take happy pics together
I really still wish u meet my one, attend my wedding later, play with my child and they call u 'grandpa'
I really still wish u grow old happily together with us
There are times when i'm thinking whether i should do 10times better than what i did to fight for ur life.
There are times that i regret so much
There are times i curse for this unfair life
There are times when i want to cry out loud but no tears coming out but my heart screaming
There are times that i don't want to face
There are times when mom cries and end-up we all cry
There are times i still feel that u are here
There are times i wish this is only dreams
I really miss u til nothing can express my feeling well
And i don't know what to do..
They said, I should let go..for your sake, for ur best, for ur peacefulness
But do they feel the way i feel?
It's hard. and it's a big fight inside my heart.
How silly life is when I should be happy for loved-one whose leaving?
How silly I am when I can't accept fact that he went to his best resting place?
It's hard. and it's a big fight inside my heart.
How silly life is when I should be happy for loved-one whose leaving?
How silly I am when I can't accept fact that he went to his best resting place?
Pa,
I don't want to say I let u go..cause I never will.
I prefer to say I let u rest in peace in heaven.
As there is nicer, and u are happier.
And promise me that u will.
I'll keep u in my mind, in my heart, forever
I love u the way I did. I always be. How r u up there, pa?
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