I am (also) lucky

I realize that life has given me so many hard times and most of it, i curse.
And only this time i can see it another way around, flipped my way of thinking and let me share it for my own notes..

I nearly understand that in life we're our own life architect.
We draw, design, build and maintain how we want our life to be.
We're the goddest of ours

Most of people (includes me) might have times when we feel ungrateful for who we are. 
Bornt not pretty, not rich, not genius, not perfect or just nobody
We often envy people who was bornt with that lucky states.
It's true that they are lucky to be bornt pretty, rich or genius or perfect or somebody..
They have a good start
They have 'more' than regular people
They have those flashy life effortlessly

But..

We also need to remember :
We are prepared for OUR OWN portion of gift, self-earn, lose, chance in life.
It's just a matter of time, when and how, now or later.
A matter of different start point, with a possibilities with same or greater finish
It depends on us whether we just stare and envy on other's start or whether we know how far we should run for it

Remember the story of 'rabbit and turtle race' where slow-walker turtle who doesn't have the capabilities to win over the fast-runner rabbit, surprisingly win the race.
- Turtle never stares on rabbit's start point as a fast-runner; turtle has a dream with him, keep running and never give up; turtle learns from rabbit arrogancy and laziness -

"It's okay to be slow, as long as u don't stop", deeply said by confucius

be selfish

jumped too deep on my mind...rolling it all together
ended-up, i'm exploded and relieved at time.
weird huh?

i share away my anger, i told the world. i don't care
i'm angry to selfish and uncare people..it's bulk of shit. 
i'm hurted even when i'm tired to get hurt
I share away my pressure,i told people even they might see me insane.
i share away my hatred, i told everyone. i don't mind.
i hate how universe seems unfair, it tastes too bitter until i numb and feel less. 
i keep anger even when i'm tired to keep it
i share away my tireness, i let them know. i'm tired for having neither breath nor break.
i share away my sadness, i told myself.
i'm sad about various thing happening now. i cry even when i'm tired to cry. 
i'm human.

currently i guess..

finding, falling, flying-off love

In my daily prayers i rarely ask something for myself. Adverse of usual, that one time i sincerely pray..

"God, i wanna meet A tree
A strong tree where i can lean on whenever i feel tired with my life
A wise tree that can listen wholeheartedly and cheer me up
A loyal tree with whom i have my forever company"

Those "law of attraction" kinda happening...
I meet you.. who step into my mind and can't ever step out from, who makes life seems even brighter,
who brings my long-lost faith back, whom i don't want to let go

scrabble mind

warning: this is a blabbery post, get ready.
 
Lately, I have this new habit of bringing my phone into the bathroom. Yes, bathroom.
Usually line pop or jewel mania or candy crush games (gosh, this games are addictive!) will accompany me while doing my morning ritual but i do differently today. 

Refer to a friend it will help lifting up ur mood, I start playing music in my phone then, taaaaa-daaaaa
As i sing along, i get slowly realizing how these three songs in a row represent how i feel.
Old song always successfully revives my personal memories.
Guess i'm in the same romance level with song-writer, high five! 
Actually I'm quite an expressive person but at this moment i kinda lose describable word..
(and keep staring on my whatsapp screen)
(and dislike friday night)
(and hate broken promises)
Yeahhhh.. WHATEVER.... i just feel like sharing my "song of the day"

Listen to, sip it, feel gloomy, enjoy!!!

20.02.2013

I currently have bunch of thoughts that keep me out from writing. For few times, i write a post then delete the blog thus feel sad about this. My mind is in a war, logic vs. feeling or sadness vs. happiness

My first blog in 2013 sadly is about broken hearted, to a man, a dad (my dad)

So, today has come..
20 02 2013 

The day that exactly one year ago i thought will never arrive, but here i am.

And all those memories come strong, drag me back to what happened last year

How scary time flies, been like just yesterday

Yet how slowly time flies, been like years in hell

2012 closure

5more days in 2012 and year will change into 2.0.1.3.

Becomes yearly eve when everyone’s sounding those new-year-resolution, what kind of achievement, introspection and so on. Thus for me, I sounded instantly on my mind as simply as “I want to be a better person next year” then forgot it in a short period after. I never really meant and specified though what was “A Better Person”.
Until end of last 2011, the very first time I really really really meant my new-year-resolution.
I specified it as “I want to be a good daughter for my dad”. 
He was sick for months in hospital and all i wanted was things get back to normal with his presence in home. 
I deliberately wanted to do my best for him.

We celebrated our new year’s eve with Dad, beside his hospital bed told him that year had changed. As an old type of Chinese people, he believed that Dragon Year is a blissful year yet he looked forward for his recovery after new year. 
Same with him, I rushed to leave 2011 and stared high hopes for 2012.

New year as a new hope, a new page, a new path for us.
We had simple but sweet celebration, each of us (included Dad) wore a colorful eye mask- blew a small horn that we bought from nearest store- took few pictures with phone- counted down 54321 in seconds of year changing- yelled happily “HAPPY NEW YEAR” and kissed each other cheeks.

[ he was there. with me, with us... ]

Paradoks

Paradoks is personal for me as the author is my Taurean twin, May, i call her Meiba.
I firstly met her as we stayed under one roof in Bandung, a junior University student. 
Still skinny, lol. We close into each other ever since.

One day *i don't exactly remember when* she let me read "Paradoks" and i fell instantly.  
Paradoks is a fairy tale that every teenage girl is dying for. 
"Awefully handsome, architect, gentleman, loveable, rich Karis. Nothing less"
Who wouldn't love him if he does exist?
This novel felt sooo right that time, i was a deadly romantic person and i was also in a relationship with my own 'Karis'.
As a teenager, i sometimes doubted myself to be with him as i didn't have enough confident, not so sure whether i deserve him or what.
After my first reading Paradoks i had those post-novel-syndrome, to be with your Prince Charming, whoever he is, no matter how perfect he is. 
I felt that i found my strength, my hope, my faith with Paradoks.
I told May that she has to publish it one day. I was amazed with the written-skill that she had in her young age *yet she keeps growing on writing until now, blog or novel*

7years after (NOW), she finally publishes "Paradoks" in a book after an e-book version.

Hey Paradoks, a dream come true :)

I don't really exist.

Aren't we supposed to be together as a team? 

In sadness or happiness.
That's what they told me, will always be there for me. 

"U've got our back"

Am I missinterpretating? Am I too naïve?
Where are they? Fading constantly away by time.
Where are they? Frozing still.
I prefer not to complain with any bad situations. 
I prefer not to share details whatever I should face daily. 
As I appreciate our own choices in life. As I believe this is my life lessons. As I love them.

I don't really exist.
I only exist to face and solve our problems, alone.
I'm a silent problem solver.
I'm a silent super woman.
I'm a silent automatic teller machine.

Mr. and Mrs. Dean

"Our love is like the wind... I can't see it, but I sure can feel it", Landon Carter- a walk to remember

I'm not in love literally to someone *and this is not my stories*
But I'm in love to minutes i reminisce how good people can be together, as a married  couple. 

I never expected that I'd ever met a couple like them, in Singapore, where majority I met were more individual-unloving married couple (or family). 
Well, mind my own perspective.
My works as an architect (that time I was working there) got me long list of client-meeting.
I used to get unappropriate yet rude manner from most of clients, mostly Singaporean.
I first met them as one of my client, and i did prepare myself for another cold staring eyes, some usual cold welcome.
When I walked out the lift, the door of the house was already opened then I stepped closer and heard calming voice 
"Hi, please come in.." with her sincere smile.
She continued "So..u are Yana?", shook my hand, 
"Please urself miss, just sit down anywhere u want.. What do u want for drinks?". 
I was amazed with a very well welcome I've ever had. I was amazed in silent.
Wait, maybe it's just the start. Be prepared for reality, remind me to myself.

Dear Shannon

9July morning
Out of doctor's expectation, u surprised everyone being 2weeks in advance.
When I arrived in the hospital, u also arrived in this world.
Tiny with wrinkled-red skin and still closed eyes.
Crying not loudly, but cutely.
Weight 2.5kg and 49cm long, then hospital nurse placed u in UV-warming box.
 
Time flies now u're alrd 4 months.

Glad that u're growing, stronger, smarter and healthier each day.
My fave to call u as ulet (it's caterpillar in English) as u look alike into :p.
Ur hands and ur thighs are segmented, and it's so cuteeee..