i was in a LONG-DISTANCE relationship, i failed then i learnt (3)

"is this for real??maybe im just dreaming"

i kept thinking about it.

i didn't cry, i felt  n-o-t-h-i-n-g....i felt emptiness

"this emotion inside leads me no where"

it was REAL

the next day, i was waken up by the reality that no more phone calls, no more messages, no more chatting

no more him with me..

no more "in a relationship"

no one i could call "hunny"

all of our stuffs, songs, places became only memories

then i started to cry out, silently

i told the whole story to my closest friend. i asked her to come by my place and i was just non-stop crying and wiping my tears..

i was a total mess

i tried my best to forget him, erasing him from my life.

i tried my super best not -even once- to call or message him.

i put my high dignity above everything that he's the one who will regret it

but i was wrong

i wasn't successfully moved on from him.

i still kept him in my heart, i couldn't let him go

i couldn't let our dreams go....

deep inside i suddenly felt lost and nobody cared for me.

i was "broken hearted into pieces"

i hated pink eversince, i prefer black

i changed our friendster password 

i was cynical to happy couples surround me

i never came to internet cafe anymore

i never took photo-box anymore

i avoided all the songs that could remind me of him, 'our songs'

i erased his numbers, his emails, his messenger

i moved all his present to the box that i couldn't see often

the hardest part was,

i took off his photos from my wallet...as well for him from my life...

i changed into the 'new me', happy without him

(well, i tried to)

(NO, i never i tried to)

the fact,

i was in denial for my love life 

most of the time, every single thing reminded me of him

my mind, my heart all was still for him

i woke up with him in my dreams

i sinked myself into my imagination, with him

i jumped to anything that could make me feel 'i have him'

i couldn't find myself happy without him

i wasn't ready to move on and i didn't care until when

what should i do to spend my Valentine without you?

what should i do to spend my birthday without you?

what should i do to our dreams?

what should i do when i miss you?

what should i do if i still wanna be with you?

i just acted as if nothing ever happened

"Me and you are meant to be, there will be a time for us -together-, he'll come back to me, he'll keep his promise that i'm his first love..and the last one" --said me to myself

[ i was too naive ]