2012 closure

5more days in 2012 and year will change into 2.0.1.3.

Becomes yearly eve when everyone’s sounding those new-year-resolution, what kind of achievement, introspection and so on. Thus for me, I sounded instantly on my mind as simply as “I want to be a better person next year” then forgot it in a short period after. I never really meant and specified though what was “A Better Person”.
Until end of last 2011, the very first time I really really really meant my new-year-resolution.
I specified it as “I want to be a good daughter for my dad”. 
He was sick for months in hospital and all i wanted was things get back to normal with his presence in home. 
I deliberately wanted to do my best for him.

We celebrated our new year’s eve with Dad, beside his hospital bed told him that year had changed. As an old type of Chinese people, he believed that Dragon Year is a blissful year yet he looked forward for his recovery after new year. 
Same with him, I rushed to leave 2011 and stared high hopes for 2012.

New year as a new hope, a new page, a new path for us.
We had simple but sweet celebration, each of us (included Dad) wore a colorful eye mask- blew a small horn that we bought from nearest store- took few pictures with phone- counted down 54321 in seconds of year changing- yelled happily “HAPPY NEW YEAR” and kissed each other cheeks.

[ he was there. with me, with us... ]

Life had a different plan for our 2012. Life had surprised us.
In the beginning of 2012, just right after Dad celebrated a blissful Dragon Year, he passed away.   
20-02-2012
A beautiful date to see, a hurtful date to feel.
 
2012 then becomes a truly nightmare journey for me, the toughest yet the sickest yet the craziest year where I really want to give up. Where I really live angrily questioning life thus really disappoint on myself “I can never accomplish my resolution even the one that I really meant to.. doubt whether i'm a good daughter enough for him..”
I literally lose everything I have, esp losing myself. 
I glance a lot of past times where I still had my Dad. I hate a lot of past times where I took times for granted.

Time flies, thing happens, people changes.
A big struggle in a year has successfully put me back on my stand today. Not call it really firm but I can say I’m okay. 
I’m still crying (a lot) when I’m writing this, still crying (a lot) over past memories with Dad, still feeling sad (a lot) whenever it was about him, still missing him so much. 

“God will give u what u need, not what u want”

Sad to say but sometimes I still have this --really? moment, but I start to believe that this is true. 
Everything has to be happened for reason, at least a reason. 
In the end everyone dies and I learn how to really let go.  
Some part of his soul lived somewhere inside of me, he’ll always be here with me.
It can be said that 2012 has become the very personal year for me, yet. 
Close to death, close to changes, close to lessons, close to tears and fights, close to myself, close to truths, close to happiness, close to love, close to real life.
A year that has changed me a lot, to me today. to 2013. 
 
I may still have the trauma of not having a chance to fulfill my last new-year-resolution. I don’t purposely spend time thinking what I want to be, what is my resolution. But then while writing this post a mind passed by, dropping me this thought.....

“I want to grow stronger than my problems”

Happy New Year 2013.