i was in a LONG-DISTANCE relationship, i failed then i learnt (4)

few months after, he came back to our hometown for holiday.. it wasn't for me.

i hoped too much that he'd find me.. he didn't

i lived my life in worries 'will i cry or will i bump into him if i meet him now?'

i didn't try to find him 

his next birthday, i messaged him saying "happy birthday"

he replied and me replied, we messaged several time.

waiting him to reply my message, i felt back the excitement and happiness

my smile came back to its place..

i realized how dull my life was without him,

i was shivering to imagine how i lived my zombie life

so, i thought that was the right time to talk to him, i wanted to be with him

took-off my pride, ensured my mind

"this is my last chance to be with him..if not now, then when?"

 the few days later, i was in a chatting with him..

we talked and i asked him questions that i had prepared of

i told him how messy my life was since he stepped out from it

"i hate pink, i hate our songs, i can't believe there's another love except you, 

i can't be with another man because i always make comparison.. 
when i can't accept the fact that u're no longer mine, i wish i have amnesia so i don't have to feel my heart hurt constantly, 

i stuck with our memories and i don't wanna jump out, i lost my life remote control"

my final questions to him was:

"They said even there's only 0.1% possibilities to try, to be together again with u, i should have tried it... 

so here i am, taking my 0.1%.. will we be together again?"

H: " i'm ur past..i know we've built a history...but it was just a history..that's it..

  u gotta run ur present...to ur future and forget about the past"

M: "..................................." 

      (my heart dropped, i was broken-hearted, OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

       and that was the final.

       i started to cry,again,with lot of tears..i knew him, i knew we'd never be together again, ever)

H: "i'm so sorry to make u feel miserable like now.. poor me, i feel really bad right now

      i made ur family, ur friends dissapointed at me to make u sad.. i'm really sorry"

M: "please don't act like this..u'll will just make me hate u and at the same time can't stop 

      loving u..i'm so tired..i'm so sad with the fact that our 3years relationship doesn't have a 

      happy-ending" 

H: "i feel so sad to see u like this, this is not u..i feel dissapointed to myself also, 

      i'm the one who caused this damage to u and u can't get rid of this....u must try, u can do it..

      HATE me as u like..so the more u hate me, it'll be easier for u to move on" 

M: "i already hate you for 1years and 2months, and yet i'm still like what i am today. 

      i can't let u go!!"

    (i almost screamt, just if he was in front of me, i wanted him to know what i feel inside)

H: "Please..stop it. Just stop until here. i want u to let me go..let all just be memories..please"

M: "i'll try.."

H: "No, u must promise to me.. be like the old optimistic-cheerful-loveable u..u'll find another guy, 

     better than me"

    (i promised him..well, i didn't have any other option to choose)

i let myself cry

i let all my sadness out

i let my heart hurt

i let my pride and ego hide somewhere

i let all my tissue stocks and sad love songs to accompany me

i let others stare at me with sympathy

i let my strength come to help me stand

i let anything left inside me to help me walk

i let others know that

i let him go
that was our last conversation......